I've come to this conclusion after at least twenty minutes of deliberation, whilst cooking tea (herb-crusted haddock). There are events that belong in the classic Olympics, and events that clearly don't. I'm not one to go round upsetting people, so the events that don't belong will get their own version of the games - the Neo-Olympics. Unless of course they don't belong in either.
Classic events need to meet the following rules.
- Individual sports. No teams or relays. Relays are just another way of getting more medals for the same type of events.
- No expensive equipment needed.
- Have a vague link to the Ancients.
- Can be done successfully outdoors.
- Could have been done by me, as a child.
What's in the Classic Olympics, in alphabetical order, with caveats.
- Archery. Traditional bows only. Archers have to make their own bows too. No "team" event. Automatic gold medal for the first archer to shoot one of their arrows with another arrow, Robin Hood style.
- Athletics, excluding relays and the triple jump. If you like jumping far, do the long jump.
- Boxing. Hitting each other is pretty traditional. None of the judging malarky either, last man standing wins. Tae Kwon Do-ists can do this one too. No kicking though.
- Canoe racing, home made dugout canoes only. All other canoe sports go into the Neo-Olympics.
- Diving, but more like the Red-Bull cliff diving contest. Off of cliffs.
- Fencing, or duelling as it will be called. First to draw blood wins.
- Gymnastics (artistic). Renamed Gymnastics (the real one, not the poncey one with ribbons)
- Swimming, obviously. No relays, but medleys will be included. They have to do one length with a float between their legs too.
- Weightlifting. Nothing is more Olympian than lifting heavy stuff.
- Wrestling. Two types, dry and oiled. People who'd be doing Judo can do this instead.
What's on the edge:
- Trampoline. Might fail the expense test. It is cool to watch though, which probably saves it.
What's in the Neo-Olympics:
- Badminton. Needs skill, energy, reflexes. Also needs to be indoor, which disqualifies it. When I was a kid playing badminton outdoors was close to pointless.
- Basketball. Team sport. U.S.A banned forever though, as they're too good.
- Beach Volleyball. I'd love to include it but it's just about a team sport. Oh go on then... it's back in.
- Slalom canoe. Not everyone has access to the rivers, the funny poles and the funny canoes.
- Cycling, all types. I hate to admit it, but not everyone has access to the bikes, the velodromes and baggy shorts for BMX.
- Equestrian. You need a horse. I never had a horse. Many, many people don't have horses either. The horse gets a medal too.
- Handball. Gets in over football because I reckon going to the 'lympics is a big deal for handballists.
- Hockey. See handball.
- Judo, Taekwondo. Both to be done on an angled wooden platform, like in Bloodsport. Bolo Yeung will almost win both events, yet somehow Van Damme will struggle back from the breaking of three limbs to defeat him with a flying-spinning kick. Yes, even in Judo. The judges let it go.
- Modern pentathlon. Close to being kicked out completely for being made up, but at least it requires expertise in very different disciplines. It's like they drew the events out of a hat. I might add in "even more modern pentathlon", which consists of Call of Duty, cake decorating, bog-snorkelling, laser tag and streetdance.
- Rowing, sailing. They can stay, but let's cut down the number of different classes. In rowing, singles and eights. In sailing, a little boat and a big boat.
- Shooting. Like archery for people who can't make a bow.
- Synchronised swimming. With sharks in the pool. Not hungry ones, that would be cruel.
- Table tennis. Gets in over tennis, again because it must be the pinnacle of the sport.
- Volleyball and Water Polo. I might combine them though, volleyball in a foot of water.
Out completely, no medals for you:
- Football. No-one cares except the winners. Women's football might survive, but with men in goal.
- Tennis. Really, with multi-millionaires playing and four Grand Slams a year, kick it out.
- Rhythmic gymnastics. You might as well have ballroom dancing.
- Triathlon. Swimming, cycling, running. Pick one. Get good at it.
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