Saturday, 16 January 2010

Sports "massage"

I've been having a bit of trouble with my calfs/calves recently. No, not the small cow kind. The lower leg kind. The past couple of times I've been for a run (and you may argue that's where I'm going wrong) they've gradually tightened up to the stop-or-this-is-really-gonna-hurt point. Using my extensive medical knowledge I self diagnosed "tight calfs/calves" and decided they needed some treatment.

I have a friend who's an osteopath. She's treated me a couple of times in the past, for such varied conditions as "feeling sick after eating", "funny weird knee pains" and "it hurts when I do this". So, she was the obvious choice (and it just happened to coincide with Pie needing real treatment for a proper injury).

After she'd manipulated Pie for a while and declared her broken beyond repair (at least until things calmed down) it was my turn. It started with The Thumper, which is a mains powered vibrator for Daleks. This causes light to moderate pain throughout the body, rattling the skeleton and tearing the hairs from any skin it comes into contact with. Daleks don't have hair. Oh, on me it causes extreme giggling mixed in with the pain.

Then came the warming rub. I liked this bit. It reminded me of Minty Arse Lard, which is always a good thing.

False.
Sense.
Of.
Security.

Then came The Thumbs. In the language of the average teenager, OMG, WTF! You need to MTFU! The Thumbs cause major to extensive pain localised to specific areas. I felt that my bones were being crushed, my muscles being torn from their mountings (medical term), my nerves rolled gently by a steamroller. I screamed, I moaned, I cried for mercy, but The Thumbs continued. I pleaded for respite but to no avail. I've never been waterboarded, but if the average CIA torturer wanted to get information from me he wouldn't need a bucket and a board (I'm assuming that both these things are needed for waterboarding. I could be wrong. It may be custard and a copy of Singletrack magazine). It was that painful.

Do you remember that song based on the article about advice for graduates? Sunscreen. There is one word in that song that would have prevented all this.

Stretch.

Believe the song.
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