Wednesday 19 November 2008

So this whole whales thing

I've been all over, me. I've travelled. I've been to places that have oceans, oceans full of life. And by some of those oceans there have been "whale" watching operations. Or scams, as I like to think of them. Let me explain how it works, so you won't get scammed by these consumate snow-job artists.
  • Build a cabin by the sea, preferably from wood, with enough room for a cafe and a decent gift shop. Good places to do this, in my experience, are in New Zealand, the Azores, Canada and Iceland.
  • Stock the gift shop with items related to the mythical "whale" beasts.
  • Buy a small boat, and paint something like "Ntunga Wild Whale Tours!" on it. Like this one:

  • Set up a "booking" operation. Encourage dumb tourists to come along, pay a deposit for a ticket that entitles them to go an see the "whales" on the small boat. On no account allow them to go out imediately - there has to be at least a four hour gap between the purchase and the scheduled departure times. Next morning is preferable, 6am is perfect.
  • When the dumb tourists (or victims) arrive, tell them that you are waiting for weather reports, or whale spotters. Encourage them to buy things in the cafe, and the gift shop.
  • When they get tetchy, tell them that the trip can't run today because it's too windy/not windy enough/too hot/too cold/too rainy/the whales are sleepy/the whales are practicing a dance routine and can't be disturbed. Rebook them for another time.
  • Repeat until the victims give up and forget to reclaim their deposits.
  • Buy sports cars with the proceeds.

I'm going to set up a "whale" watching operation in Newbury, on the canalside. My fortune is on its way.

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