Wednesday 30 March 2011

Roadie clothes are dorky

I admit it. I'm a roadie, especially this year. I will also admit, grudingly, that road bike clothes are wrong. I honestly don't think there is a single piece of road bike specific clothing that I'd wear off the bike. I think this is pretty special as most other sports I can think of - football, rugby, swimming, basketball, cricket - have at least the odd item that you'd wear for leisure (can I conveniently ignore martial arts?).

Consider the evidence, top down.
  • Helmet. No explanation needed. They certainly don't have the all round wearability of a baseball cap and compared to a hockey mask they're rubbish for wearing whilst on a killing spree.
  • Jersey. It's tight, brightly coloured, has a big long zip on the front and three silly pockets on the back. I wouldn't wear one down the pub to watch the Tour with my mates, no matter how much of a fan of Liquigas I was.
  • Arm warmers. What? What they hell are they? You put them on your arms when they get cold? Have you not heard of jumpers?
  • Waterproof. Short at the front, long at the back, bright yellow, figure hugging and only fits if you've got your arms out in front of you like a classic zombie.
  • Bib shorts. Two words - gay wrestler.
  • Normal shorts. One word - nappy.
  • Leg warmers. Practical but very difficult to explain around the office.
  • Knee warmers. Like leg warmers times a million. To quote a colleague, "you look like a f**king idiot".
  • Cycling socks. Why do I have special socks for cycling, apart from the fact some have "Wanker" written on them?
  • Road bike shoes. Perfect for riding in, useless for anything else. So useless for walking in that you perfect the weeing while straddling the bike technique to avoid having to walk to the bushes.
  • And finally, the trigger for these thoughts - shoe covers...

It looks like I've put socks over my shoes! Hang on...

Oh... I have. I even had to cut a hole in the bottom so the cleats could go through. I don't think I've ever bought an item of clothing that required me to cut a big hole in it before it would serve its intended purpose.

I have truly been sucked in to the cult of the roadie.


Phil C said...

Last week I reviewed an item of cycling clothing on a well-known shop's website, and felt I had to describe it as "poncey". The review was removed from the site for breaking their guidelines.

Unknown said...

I've had reviews rejected for the mildest of language. There's nothing wrong with "asshat" surely. Oh, I forgot gloves from my list...